The Diagnosis

[November 8, 2007]

I’ve looked back in introspect so many times over the last few years. I go through cycles of it… week-in and week-out. It’s always the same thing over and over. If you’ve read up on me before, you know, the same depressing tale of losing my ambition or having “brain tar” and whatnot. But I’ve reached a point at which I cannot take it anymore. I’m deep into my college career and have reached the point of no return: either do something about the problems now and excel or let it go and regret later in my life when I realize that it’s too late. But what is the problem? There are so many, but they must all be caused by a small handful of sources.

I am chronically sleepy, mentally exhausted. That is the chief complaint. It did not matter what I did, whether I slept 5 hours a night or 10, whether I used sleeping pills or energy drinks, whether I tried sleeping earlier or taking later classes, I always, always feel drowsy in class. I can’t concentrate on a single part of a lecture. I’ll sit there staring at the board or professor trying to follow along, and I just fall off the boat within a few minutes – no matter how good or how bad the teacher. It has been going on since 11^th grade. I have no interest in what they are doing anymore. I just have no brain fuel. Within a half hour into class, I start going crazy; I want to leave, just get out. I leave class early quite often as a result. I’ve researched and looked into many different problems I might have. Attention deficit disorder is always on the list as are other similar problems. Bipolar disorder? Likely. I have ecstatic highs and depressing lows sometimes within the same hour. Other times I am amazingly irritable and just an outburst away from ripping someone apart.

My uncle has a classic case of bipolar disorder, and as described by the classic case, he denies anything is wrong. After a fearful depressed state the first 2 years he lived in the US, he went into an insane state of motivation and happiness. And now, one could argue he’s in one of those other states you find in bipolar people. But unlike him or most bipolar individuals, I’m not afraid to admit anything. (even though doing so may cause others [such as ma and pa] to think I want pity or am seeking an excuse for being a sore looser) A likelier scenario is centered around myself being inflicted with narcolepsy, a sleep disorder. A narcoleptic will be perpetually drowsy regardless of the amount of sleep he or she gets. There are many other symptoms: paralysis upon awakening or falling asleep and vivid dreams almost immediately at the onset of sleep. There are many other symptoms from both disorders I seem to have, but I can’t declare anything yet. A lack of quality sleep will destroy anyone however.

A secondary problem is how other people react to my suspicions. I have absolutely no friends who would buy into any of these problems I may have. “It happens to all of us…we’re students. I’m depressed, you’re depressed, everyone is…It’s normal,” or, “Well, you’ve been working hard and not sleeping enough just like most students,” are reactions I regularly get as a slap to the face. I’m not like every-fucking-one else. I know there was a significant change I went through in high school. I’ve already described how I was before this afflicted me. I get, “You’ll be fine…you’re smart,” quite often. It’s all meaningless. What is it with people my age. They have no personal touch whatsoever. If you can prove otherwise, be my guest. You might not know how to swim and they’ll throw you into a 20ft deep lake and be amused by the sight of you choking on water in total denial that a person may not be able to swim. They want to think that everyone is alike, that they all have the same handicaps and that anyone who claims to be different is just looking for an excuse to be below average or for pity. I know I’m bashing people in general right now, but it’s just a way of venting my frustration.

After all this, there is always that idea that my ambitions are incompatible with my capabilities. When something like your cognition level is shot, it is very hard to overcome. Instead of having big dreams and pursuits, I could just throw in the towel and be content with chugging along the way I am right now. I’ll get a job in the end, make more than enough money to live on…what the hell do I care of using those “so-called” God-given abilities to make the world a better place. Am I meant to help myself and not give a damn to anyone else in this life, or am I meant to help others? What is the better thing? After all, this is all life really is about. Why do I have to think so highly of myself? Isn’t it a bit arrogant to believe that I am capable of changing the world? Seems like another tenet of bipolar disorder symptoms. Who knows? Maybe it’s a cue to me to cut the crap and just be like everyone else. They’re making progress to get somewhere while I sit here like a moron and complain about losing my former “greatness” and how other people are flawed. Yeah, you can tell me to, “Just shut-up do it you lazy bum, and stop being all emo. Just do the work and move on with it.” That’s the problem; I CAN’T FUCKING WORK! There’s that mental lapse barrier as well as that growing lack of motivation. I’ll just make an abrupt ending right here and take a nap (I slept 10 hours last night) and play videogames (which I play once every 3-4 months).