The Humbling

[October 30, 2008]

Everyone isn't gifted in his or her own special way. Not everyone has a strong suit or a specialty. Why is it ingrained in us that everyone on this earth has a purpose? A calling? After all, aren't we all just individuals of a species carving out an existence on this big blue globe? That doesn't necessarily mean each individual has his strength.

What if you are one of these individuals who is not good at anything? Sure, there were plenty of things you might have been somewhat decent at or show some potential in. But when it comes down to it, there is not one thing in which you excel. You have probably had to play mental games to trick yourself into thinking you could make accomplishments. Maybe you made strides and built a cushion of confidence. But in the end, it was all for nothing. Something always went wrong. Perseverance! Summon it! You work harder and try everything possible to succeed. You pour your guts out and give up everything else that doesn't help you directly in achievement. And then, you give up and retreat. You sink into a long period of dormancy.

When you strive to make an accomplishment, you are driven by a feedback loop. With each positive, effective method of effort, a positive feedback is perceived in order to enforce more of the same. This builds confidence and more self-esteem, the fuel that drives determination. With each negative, ineffective method of effort, a negative feedback is perceived, and this drives innovation and the pursuit of more effective methods of effort. This system keeps taking place building step by step until the accomplishment is received. With much positive feedback, the self-esteem grows and determination is sustained. After a long streak of negative feedback, a positive feedback triggers an explosion of pride and self-esteem.

But what happens when a streak of these negative feedbacks goes on for too long? You give up. There is no driving force left to push the effort to accomplish up the hill. The fuel tank is empty. There is no positive feedback for reinforcement or to build self-esteem. After long enough, even relatively decent positive bursts of feedback due to successes cannot help to compensate for the preceding severe drought. Cynicism pervades and dread prevails; everyone else gifted; yourself: not. Giving more effort is not an option; there's not fuel left. Finding more effective methods of effort? The alternatives have been exhausted? Sometimes, there is no way out. Everyone else passes you by as they climb up the hill. You don't even feel intimidated or envious anymore. You have no confidence. No one is worse than you, and you are better than no one. You want to laugh when you are complimented, and you feel no right to judge anyone else. You have been humbled. You're not good enough, and there is nothing you can do about it.